At first all I wanted was to be thin. I felt way bigger than all of my friends, clothes didn’t look good on me, and I had to wear a size 10 while everybody else was in a 6 or 8. My thighs were at least double the size of all the other girls, I had to suck my tummy in because it wasn’t flat like theirs; I was far too big, far too awkward. Or so I thought. So I ate so little I made myself sick.
After that I decided I just wanted to be really lean. I needed a flat stomach, I needed a really round bum and I needed to be really tanned and fit looking, just like the girls in all the photos I had saved for “fitspo”. In my mind I had a lot of body fat and a lot of cellulite, I wasn’t attractive or fit. I made sure I “earned” the food I ate; I’d need to sweat a lot to make up for all the meals that were making me feel so large. So I trained daily, sometimes twice and if I missed a session I’d feel like a failure.
After that I decided I just wanted to be myself. I looked in the mirror and realised what I had was beautiful and unique and curvaceous. I realised that by eternally chasing something I didn’t possess all I was doing was making myself miserable. I realised that wanting to be anything but myself was a tragedy. I decided I wanted to be happy and fit. I wanted to be proud of a lifestyle that was vibrant and balanced and live a life that was full of love, fun, and achievement and without restriction. So I did and I’ve never looked back.